I don’t want to have the type of blog that is fueled by self-deprecation. But the only way to describe this week’s cake is by using some combination of the words failure, ignorance, sloppish, and jealousy-infused rage. Let’s start from the beginning.
This cake was made for an annual contest hosted by Threadless.com. If you’ve never been to the site, and you have any interest whatsoever in incredible artwork on t-shirts, then I suggest you type “www.threadless.com” into a new tab and browse it when you’re finished reading this post, for I am too lazy to turn that text into a direct link. It’s Sunday. My life is full.
Anyway, this was my submission. It’s a gramophone. I think. I googled “old-timey record player with horn” for confirmation. It totally worked.
The idea is that you’re supposed to browse Threadless’ myriad user-contributed printed T graphics, choose one, and turn it into either a two-dimensional or three-dimensional cake. There are separate awards for 2D/3D. You may remember learning last week that I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew when it comes to creative projects. This week was no different. After friends talked me down from the preposterous notion that I could make a 4D cake and just BLOW SOME MINDS, I settled for a 3D replica of this lovely design:
Sure, let’s choose the one with the giant horn containing a giant rose supported by a spindly neck. Yes. That. I choose that one. My plan of attack was misguided and complex. It involved a wire structure and a strategic foundation. I forgot to factor in gravity, which is weird, because gravity and I go way back. I used to be a gymnast, a diver, and a pole vaulter. I learned early on that gravity is not open to negotiations. I also learned early on that gravity takes the form of a little fat cynical periwinkle guy if I think about it long enough/deprive myself of sleep.
As I said earlier, my plan involved a wire structure. I picked up some heavy-duty coiled wire at a hardware store, and got to sculpting this horn. I was actually very pleased with the final structure. But from there, the plan was to cover it in modeling chocolate, and that’s where I ran into the problems. The thing must have weighed 25 pounds when I was finished with it. Another mistake I made was the decision to make my own modeling chocolate using a recipe I found on the internet. There were two ingredients. Chocolate, and corn syrup. It did not look good, it did not taste good, and it did not handle well. All-around failure, there.
By the time I got to the rose, I was burnt out. I had already spent days trying to figure out how to make this thing work only to hear resounding NOPEs from every avenue I tried. This is the part where you feel sorry for me and applaud my heroic efforts in the face of adversity. Go ahead. I’ll start a new paragraph while you do that.
The rose is gum paste. It was my first real experience with gum paste. It did not go well. Gum paste is similar to fondant, but it dries harder and is good for details and accents. It’s the material of choice when it comes to edible flowers. A lot of people swear by it, and others will tell you that fondant will get the job done just as well. Personally, at this moment, I don’t give a shit, because look at the monstrosity I’m making. I could have used a genetically altered giant rose, and it wouldn’t have saved this cake.
It became clear that this horn was not going to stand on its own, so I admitted defeat and just held it up with my hands.
I went ahead and submitted the cake to Threadless, even though I knew it didn’t stand a chance in hell at winning anything except maybe a “nice try” ribbon. If you’re wondering which cakes took first prizes, I’ve included them below, and you will now understand where the “jealousy-infused rage” part of the process factors in.
This one was for 3D:
And this one was for 2D. This girl can suck a nut. I hate her talent.
I did not win, and this moment was by far the most satisfying part of the process:
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