Welcome to your fantasy. Please find a sexy crustacean, to your left. This is what you get. This is what you get when you put me, Adam Ellis, and a virtually unlimited supply of fondant in a room together.
Adam (you know his blog probably – Books of Adam) lives in Portland, and I live in New York, so when he visits the east coast you’d better believe that we have cake plans all but solidified. You may remember our last cake, the Nintendo Game Boy. A commercial success. A stunning tribute. Some people even said “oh, that’s neat.” Naturally, as Adam’s visit approached, I began to feel the pressure, the fear of the sophomore slump. I didn’t want to disappoint my tens of – nay, dozens of devoted readers. So we started throwing ideas around weeks ago. Of course, Adam was still pushing for the fetus cake, and most other suggestions that came out of him were on that level. Time was running out. Then, while on vacation in Nantucket, inspiration struck Adam. He notified me immediately.
And just like that, we had a theme. The original plan was actually to make a regular ol’ lobster getting stuck in one of those 6-ring plastic soda can holders. Because, why not. I wasn’t completely sold on the idea, and when I voiced these concerns – that maybe it’s a little morbid, a little preachy – Adam responded, well, we’ll put a bow on it. FTFY.
Look at those nails. Exquisite. Anyway – Adam came down to lower Manhattan and we got to caking. We ran into our first problem about 8 seconds in. I didn’t have any red dye left, for the fondant. But then Adam made the observation that some lobsters are blue. The rarest. The sexiest, generally. By now you’re starting to see how our plan evolved from socially conscious to materialistic and – did I mention it yet? Sexy.
In all honesty, the cake construction can be summed up most efficiently in the following illustrations.
At least, that’s how I remember it happening. Adam definitely used his beard lasers. Don’t let him tell you that he didn’t.
But I guess for good measure I should include some actual photographs. Here’s my face:
Good, right?
We started with a character study, which was laborious and meticulously accurate:
For the claws, I used a material I am not totally familiar/comfortable with: modeling chocolate. It tasted like butt, and Adam swore the longer you handled it, the greasier it became. But it made for great sculpting material, and even though I would eat a sock before this junk, it’s “edible” and therefore fair game. My next cake will be made of 100% sock.
Halfway through we decided to do it up like Build-A-Bear and bury a “heart” in the middle of it. This gesture was mainly to prove that yes, this lobster is a slut, but sluts have feelings, and shame on you for jumping to conclusions.
Or maybe it was a completely separate organ. A dude organ. I don’t know. Go with your heart.
Adam did pretty much all of the adorable things you see on this cake. The bow, the ring, the necklace, the lips. He also made the claws and creepy little lobster legs. This guy has an unfair amount of talent, and I hate him for it. It’s selfish, really.
Everything external on this thing is made from fondant, save for the bow. That’s gum paste. But yeah – it’s all cake, fondant, gum paste, and modeling chocolate. When we were done, Adam set out to destroy the thing he had once loved.
I’ve heard once that when murdering a lobster that which you intend to boil and eat, it’s best to put it out of its misery before submerging it into impossibly hot water. Which I mean, I guess it makes sense. And here’s the second Of Mice and Men reference I’m going to make on this blog – it’s just like when George kills Lennie, guys! Impale it in the back of the head so it doesn’t have to be persecuted for crimes it didn’t knowingly commit. I guess that’s where the parallel breaks down, but whatever. Shut up.
The point is, Adam decided to cut off a little creepy lobster knuckle before doing the deed for real.
Because he is sick in the head.
Then he felt bad, so he made this:
God this thing came out great. I can’t decide what made it such a success – was it that I had Adam to collaborate with? Or was it the abundance of youtube videos we looped, most notably being slow motion clips of Paula Deen? There’s no real way of knowing. But this much is true – when we were done, we were hungry.
Surprise ending – Adam got a taco but I got a quesadilla.
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